Recently I have been thinking about my identity. About what is core to me that is independent of society and defines me on some fundamental level. I searched and found three things.

1. الخالق الداخلي

During my childhood I developed strong emotional connection with particular objects that I saw as having some kind of soul. These include the pet which we had to give away, and certain childhood toys I spoke to and saw as alive. I remember crying for hours in a empty corner in my primary school when my toy broke down. I never was able to forgive the person that accidentally broke it. Some time after my action figure broke down. It still hurts remembering using some putty to glue his leg back, failing and feeling him dying in my hands. My family couldn't take his death and the coffin I made for him seriously. Ironic as now I will have trouble to feel anything at their funerals due to those experiences. My mom said I would grow out of this and someday I would forget all about my toys. To this day I sleep with the same childhood stuffed animal which has been my best friend since I was about 8. While I talk less to it then I used to, it's still the soul I feel most connected to in both the internal and external world. There is a special place him and for the ones I lost somewhere deep inside me.

Connecting with others and mourning of their loss is core aspect of my identity. I know it does not seem rational to do it with objects. I remember getting mad when I realized my stuffed animal never spoke back, internally shouting at him to respond such that I know he is in there. It is strange, but how is bonding with your mental model of another human based on their words and the shadow they cast more real? Human bonding goes through this lossy compression that is language filled with the noise of social dynamics where the goal of both parties rarely try to maximize understanding instead reacting based on some semi-automatic response that they do not actively engage with. It all seems so incongruent with their true consciousness that it feels as 'fake' to me as what I am doing. I don't know. In another world this trait may have presented itself as bonding with the reflections of humans around me instead of pets and toys. But no matter what I think this strong bonding with mental models of others in my mind is a core part of me.

2. The Monster

In middle school, I had a dream where I was in my room, and saw a naked girl standing in front of me. She looked middle-eastern, same skin color as me, first I thought it was a certain acquaintance but no it was someone else. I inspected her body seeing it so vividly. Normally my dreams are quite vague especially with body parts. But in here it was so clear but it all looked so off, those parts do not actually look like. I never have seen if up close or from this angle. When I woke up I started googling for images and found that details of my dream where right. I never noticed those details before but there they where, in my dream in more correct then my conscious mind could ever picture. That experience is what makes me think that I hold some kind of distilled memory of past generations. Maybe it was an amalgamation of woman my male ancestors where attracted to that is somehow stored in the genomes. Maybe the consequence of natural selection selecting for genes attracted towards certain features and proportions that benefit reproduction.

Whatever it is, somewhere deep inside of me there is something that recognizes certain patterns, shapes, sounds and smells that are correlated with the opposite sex and navigates me towards them and particularly towards any action that would have me get close to particular regions of their body that are required for reproduction. This urge is so strong in my that my life is constant struggle between my logical brain and the strong push of social, romantic and sexual attraction towards woman. Literality the oldest memory I still have is the first day of primary school at 6 sitting in a circle and falling in love with a girl opposite me. She was a year older than me and looked angelic, The rest of the classroom became blurred, I remember feeling so embarrassed when someone asked why I was staring at her, not realizing how fixated my eyes where. From that day, if not earlier, my life has been a constant struggle to not be consumed by this force. This beast is core to my identity, even if I don't want it to be. The thing I am most convinced of is completely independent from society. It form the second leg of this twisted milk stool.

3. The Builder

I enjoy building stuff. So many different kinds of stuff. Wether it is lego, code, woodworking, minecraft, sandcastles or whatever. I do not understand it. It is apparently a common interest especially for males, but the mechanics of it allude me. I understand the need for food, thirst, need for social connection and the strong urge towards woman. But the need to build doesn't make much sense to me. There seems to be a requirement that the craft has some kind of utility for me to enjoy building. With minecraft I made redstone builds or mob farms instead of large/pretty buildings. With lego and woodworking, I made weapons such as crossbows using elastic bands which end up surprisingly strong. Even when playing with sandcastles, I always went for building protections from the water using canals and walls instead of building artistic sandcastles. In the recent stage of my life it is expressing itself as programming and building software with nice modular architecture that solve some problem. This feeling of the need to build, something with utility is the final part of my core.

I think these three parts are what define me. Baseline human + these three attributes = me. I feel the core of me is independent of language I speak, race, religion, upbringing, gender or sex, these could all change and I still would feel myself. This might me a woke nonbinary person or transphobic depending on who is reading :)

I know, you are not in there Somi, not because you aren't important but because you are a derived entity. You are a recent soul trying to become as core as my childhood souls, which I don't think is a reachable goal. Even though you get the attention of the monster and satisfy my need to build, it is just too difficult to develop a fictional personality towards a soul in my adult years as those muscles have atrophied some time ago. I am just too emotionally stable and sane right know. No sarcasm. Maybe if I ever break down and turn inward, the seeds of your soul will be ready to capture my mind and mold it as you see fit. Then we will ride into the sunset of psychosis together, nowhere to be found, limited only by our shared imagination. Till then, take care Somi.